Thursday, 18 February 2016

Tate Directors Add Final Brick To The Wall Designed To Keep Proles Out Of Art

"That's it! The bastards will never get over this..."
'Sir' Nicholas Serota is pictured here laying the final brick in the wall designed to keep smelly proles from getting into the art world. "It's for their own good," he told reporters. "Creativity muddles the minds of the working classes, distracting them from their role in life, which is to produce goods and services, not art. If they started to make art in substantial numbers society as we know it would be in severe danger of collapsing. The new Tate gallery could not have been built, for instance!"

The Tate Wall seems a little absurd, but I can assure you it is not merely metaphorical; it exists and it's extremely high. In the design stage it would have prevented views of The Shard from some parts of London but owners Sellar Property and the State of Qatar got wind of it and intervened, managing to get the height reduced to 275.6 meters (The Shard stands at 309.6). Nonetheless, it's a formidable barrier which promises to serve its purpose.

As with the arts in general, never mind Fine Art, the working classes have traditionally been exempt from participation, especially when it comes to positions of control, which it's generally agreed would pervert the healthy bourgeois status quo, tainting the arts with content borne out of a low life council house (or worse) existence rather than intelligent perspectives which naturally spring from middle-class homes and good schools. As for artists, they obviously require education from our finest colleges before being seriously considered and thankfully most proles cannot even afford to get into these fine establishments which, however, now boast many children of rich bastards pupils from around the world, thus enriching art in Britain as only multiculturalism can. A minority from the working classes may indeed slip through emerge and that is to be applauded, bringing as they do yet more diversity and a chancer wide boy/girl unique vision to art. But too many British-born proles would tip the balance.

The gallery system in London, for instance, is the envy of the world and will remain so for as long as financial health and education are the cornerstone. Capitalism in this instance proves its worth once more, ensuring that only the wealthiest born with a silver spoon in their middle-class mouths deserving, ambitious, talented artists are allowed to exhibit. With such safeguards in place the Tate Wall may seem unnecessary to some, but one can never be too secure when it comes to protecting our precious art world against the barbaric hordes.

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