Wednesday, 30 November 2011

If You're So Rich, How Come You Ain't Hip?

After watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ on BBC2 last night I’ve decided to become a Cultural Guru. The programme featured ‘wealth gurus’ such as Robert Kiyosaki, author of ‘Rich Dad, Poor Dad’, which has sold millions, thus continuing Kiyosaki’s seemingly unstoppable ability to make money.

I’m writing a book that’ll be called ‘If You’re So Rich, How Come You Ain’t Hip?’ It will outline my programme which guarantees cultural wealth. On the TV programme wannabe millionaires are seen high-fiving, hugging and chanting mantras. I won’t be encouraging those who attend my seminars to hug or give high fives, but chanting will be part of the necessary steps. Chants such as ‘I am not rich but I do appreciate the genius of Charlie Parker therefore I am richer than morons with supercars who don’t’ and ‘I have little money but I will never sell that which enriches me such as my Jacques Demy box set, unless I need to eat, in which case I might’. It’s too early to have worked those out properly yet. But there will be loads which have to be said every morning.

Becoming culturally wealthy takes time, just as becoming a millionaire does, but at least you won’t have to learn about property investment. There are many cultural ‘advisors’ on the Net in the form of bloggers and journalists writing introductions to Suicidal Drone music and the like, but my programme will offer so much more.

My seminars will cost £600 to attend. If you think that’s a lot, tough. If you can easily afford it, you’re probably a rich bastard who needs to attend because your vocational ambition has nullified all opportunities to engage with life-enhancing culture. I’m not saying all the rich are devoid of taste, but look at the examples around the world. After my programme, you’ll sell that ugly house, all those shitty supercars, and probably even your wife who, let’s face it, is a bimbo that wouldn’t know Miles from Steve Davis. If you’re a married woman, you’ll get rid of him for the same reasons.

Follow me.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of cultural bliss, but there is hope. Give me your money and I will spend it wisely on such things as signed editions of William Burroughs books and El Saturn LPs on vinyl.

This way to cultural enlightenment.

Cultural wealth ensures a degree of contentment you never thought possible. It enriches your mind, the most valuable possession you own. Culture need not cost the earth if you follow my programme, which will contain the addresses of the very best charity shops and file-sharing sites. Chapters will include ‘Aesthetic Appreciation And How To Develop It’, ‘Don’t Join The 99% - Why They Are Mostly Wrong In What They Listen To, Watch & Read’, ‘How To Be Hip, Not A Hipster’, and ‘Be An Outsider, Because Like Nature’s Bountiful Treasures All The Best Things Grow Outside’ – something like that. I haven’t fully developed these yet, of course.

You Can Create and Consume.

Creation and consumption are not mutually exclusive. You will need to consume culture to understand what others have done so that you may develop your own voice. I will be giving specific instructions on how to start your new life as a creator. Believe me, to paint, film or write is life-enhancing, regardless of whether you sell anything. Even blogging is better than doing nothing. Look at me. I started this blog two years ago and readership regularly gets into double figures.

You cannot buy good taste.

It’s said that all artistic appreciation is subjective. This is bollocks. There are standards, and you will learn them. They are not ‘rules’, but simply guidelines towards learning what is Right and Wrong. Once you have studied the guidelines, you will be on your way to understanding what I mean. It’s not that I don’t know what I mean and cannot explain, but that I have no intention of telling you right now otherwise you won’t buy my book or attend my seminars.

Finally, the superiority you will feel once culturally enlightened will be a reward that renders financial wealth insignificant. Trust me. I know. You will pass huge houses and instead of envying the owners pity them for their taste and cultural paucity. You will see the rich dining on fine foods in fancy restaurants and be thankful that you feast on that which nourishes your soul. It’s true.

Trust me. I am your cultural guru.


  1. I had an idea similar to this years ago, a sort of handbook for students/young people on 'how to be hip'. But whereas mine was likely to sit with the tat near the check out in Borders, maybe yours could nestle next to Barthes.

    I came by your blog via Mort Garson. Good work!

  2. Cheers. Sat next to Bart Simpson more likely. Glad you like the site. Your route demonstrates impeccable taste.


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