Thursday, 9 December 2010

A Famous Blogger Writes

To Do Today:

Make myself famous.
Not sure how to go about this. If I blog enough perhaps someone will sign me up as a professional blogger for a proper organisation that pays bloggers money. The problem with that would be having editors check everything I say. I can’t have that. Not only would I have to watch my opinion, but also watch my grammar. Bollocks. To. That. But how many bloggers are ‘famous’? Probably loads, but I don’t know any of their names. There was the guy that blogged from Iraq, wasn’t there? Yes, blogs from the frontline might get me noticed, except that my war takes place on the battlefield of Culture. And there are already too many soldiers firing off missives in that arena. Yes, I know, there are too many bloggers full stop, according to some. But I say let there be more bloggers! Let the world gradually grind to a halt because everyone, from the refuse collectors to top-ranking politicians, demands that their blogs must be written, every day, before the business of emptying bins or running countries. Should this happen, perhaps there would be fewer wars...

Find a good new album to review.
It’s tougher than you think. With all the music available you’d think it would be easy. It would be easy if my standards were lower. And in saying that I come across as someone who regards himself as a purveyor of nothing but the finest cultural artefacts, which isn’t true, of course. I got my taste. You got yours. Still, nothing’s come onto the radar that’s worth reviewing, music-wise. So you’ll just have to wait for the next word on what you should absolutely be listening to...because I am...

Watch a good film.
I’ve got several lined-up, some of which I know will be good. I’m currently about quarter of the way through ‘The Lives Of Others’. Now, if I were to recommend any film on the basis of half-an-hour’s-worth of viewing, it would be this. ‘The best film of the year’, according to the quote from The Guardian on the cover. That’s how famous I want to be – whereby whatever I say about a film is included on the DVD case – hah! It’s about East Berlin’s Stasi. Now, this made me think that we’re all members of our own private spying organisations today, in a way. We spy on the lives of others via social networking sites all the times. We’re all peeping toms, without the need for binoculars, climbing into other people’s back yards, or fear of being caught. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It needn’t be either. I know someone who’s quite the ‘lurker’ (in the parlance of the ‘net). He enjoys reading the opinions of others but rarely joins in. Perhaps he’s got the right idea since in this way he can’t get embroiled in the frequent online rows, or reveal too much about his private life, or what he really thinks. I’m on a few forums, but I try to tread that thin line between being honest and being no more than yet another anonymous name, a ghost without the flesh and bones of a real person. If you get my meaning. Likewise here, as a blogger, I try to maintain the illusion that I am not only discerning, culturally, but handsome, well-dressed, intelligent and ‘hip’. But you saw through that long ago, didn’t you? So now I come clean and confess that I live in tracksuit bottoms, smell, weigh too much, watch trash TV, and listen to MOR Rock, mostly, plus 80s Soul, the kind that utilises synth-drums and crappy keyboards. The ‘underground’ or ‘tasteful’ culture I talk of is all done by culling words from others. Please forgive me.

Get out of the bunker.
In theory this is as easy as donning Winter clothes and opening the door. In practice it involves steeling myself in preparation for encounters with the general public, the transport system, and the cold. There needs to be a purpose, too, since I’m no flaneur. But to wander the streets of London aimlessly is to risk an increased sense of isolation amongst the crowd and claustrophobia caused by concrete all around me. I think I’ll stay in.

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